Fixpert

Yesterday, I decided to try the famed Master Cleanse, aka The Lemonade Diet. It was awesome, I didn’t even make it a full day and had to call the whole thing off. During the first day, I noticed a few side effects of the cleanse:

• I was really cold all day long
• I was craving all kinds of delicious foods
• I got really sleepy and low-energy towards the end of the day
• I had a massive headache for the second half of the day

“Ah yes,” I thought “this cleanse is working, I feel like shit, this is great!”

Honestly, I was feeling a bit cocky because I’ve done some other hard-core physical challenges, usually of the endurance variety, so I just clumped this in with previous stunts I have pulled and thought it would be somewhat easy for me.

Then…the puking started. I know, I know, this is gross, but I thought it might be worth writing up for anyone else out there who might try the Master Cleanse and go through the same thing. Oh, and by the way, puking is not supposed to happen. I followed all the directions, did everything right, and I guess my body’s way of saying “oh hey’ll naw, we are not doing this!” was to make me throw up a whole bunch. And it worked, my response to my body was “oh hey’ll naw, we are not doing this!”

So, Master Cleanse aborted. I don’t know what happened, I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t get to put this accomplishment under my belt, but puking isn’t something you try to power through, so I feel ok about dippin’ out. So that’s that. No Master Cleanse for me. Lemme know if you need any lemons, I have a ton at my house.

Fake Out Foods

While we’re on the subject of food…as I sit here and type this, I’m enjoying a healthy bowl of fresh fruit for my breakfast. I go for one of these lovely red grapes, and chomp down on a weird pitted cherry instead. I like cherries, but I always get grossed out when I’m expecting one taste / texture and get another. Did you ever go to drink milk out of your sippy cup when you were a kid, only to discover it was OJ?! Gross! And I love OJ.

These are the fake-out foods that make me mad, only because they prance around masquerading as some other, usually more delicious food:

• Raisins — particularly in Oatmeal Raisin Cookies. Listen, raisins, the only reason people eat your damn cookies is because you look like (and people wish you were) a chocolate chip cookie. You will never be a chocolate chip, and people will always be disappointed to find out that it’s really you. Is that the life you want to lead? You’re pathetic!
• Mango. Dear Mango, you are not pineapple, so just stop trying to front. I think I would like how you taste if you could just get your own style and help me set expectations properly.
• These Weird Cherries - You are a new edition to my list. You are especially evil because you have pits and you disguise yourself as a soft, delicious, not-pitted fruit — our friend, the grape. I think you currently top the list of evil food trickery, and have even overtaken the Raisin as you add an element of danger and possible injury to your tomfoolery.

Feel free to share your Master Cleanse stories, and any other poser foods that you want to add to the list!

Hi. My name is Sally. I’m a lady. It’s true. I know I’m forever talking about bikes and cartoons and comic books and potty humor, larry & balky bartakomus, skateboarding and gadgets. But…I am a lady.

Let me tell you about my weekend…

For reasons that I won’t go into, this weekend I felt that I should try and dress a little more feminine than usual. So, I ditch the t-shirt and sneakers, get rid of the rolled up pants (rolled up for avoiding snags and chain grease when riding my bike, of course), and I put on a little tanktop, skirt, and some little sandal high heel thingies — trying to look cute. Trying to look like, um, a girl, you know? So what happened?

Dressing Cute F’ing Sucks!

What happens when you wear cute little strappy high heel sandals?

• Um, you can’t really walk very much
• You can’t walk very fast
• You definitely can’t run
• You can’t walk on sand, grass, dirt, or gravel
• Trying to walk on brick, tiles, or manhole covers with big holes is hella dangerous
• If you do walk a lot, you chafe
• If you continue to walk, you get blisters
• If you continue to walk, you get raw chafey painful sores
• At this point, if you continue to walk, you will become utterly miserable and no fun to hang out with

What happens when you wear cute little short skirt?

• You can’t ride a bike (unless you have bloomers on hand)
• Handstands and cartwheels are out of the question
• No piggie back rides unless you want to get arrested for indecent exposure

…ok, ok, the list could go on, but you get the idea. Basically, you become boring and un-fun. You are limited to sitting or small amounts of slow walking. You’re job when dressed this way is essentially to look cute, and not much else. No kickflips, no running around, no hacky sack, or rambunctiousness, or other tomfoolery.

You get a lot less exercise when you’re in porcelain-doll-mode. More importantly, you have a lot less fun. You are chafed and uncomfortable, and that puts you in a crappy mood so then you’re not fun to be around. You start to hate yourself. You hate yourself for not being fun, for giving in to the social pressure to dress this way, for ruining your day and everyone else’s.

What Do Other Girls Say About This?

Actually, I’d really like to know. Because of the subject matter of this site, I don’t think I have many female readers, but I would love to hear from them and get their take. I remember asking a girl friend of mine about what shoes she wears when she goes dancing. I love dancing, but I am usually not looking very girly on the dancefloor because I’m wearing reasonable shoes. My friend wears big huge heels.

“Don’t those shoes hurt your feet when you’re dancing for hours,” I asked.

And she just kind of shrugged, “Yeah.”

Dudes have no idea the suffering that women are going through to look pretty for them, unless of course the lady is whining and complaining (like me this weekend, hehe).

A Bit of Redemption

This afternoon, after all the chafing and discomfort, I fully reverted back to tomboy mode. I took off the skirt and heels, tossed them in the closet, flipped them the bird, and grabbed my sneakers, t-shirt, and pants, jumped on my favorite (fixed gear) bike, and pedaled down the street to the coffee shop. I was happy, probably smiling, and did a fun little trick dismount and locked up right out front.

I had my iPod shuffle playing some Sam Cooke jams, and was walking towards the shop’s entrance when a man sitting at one of the tables outside flags me down. I take off my headphones.

He says, “How did you jump off your bike like that? It looked like fun!”

“I’m, oh, I dunno, it is fun though. It’s a special kind of bike that lets me do that trick,” I say.

We chatted for a while, his friend got in on the conversation too. We talked about track bikes, about technology companies and international considerations for VC and investing in tech companies.

I went inside to get a drink, and when I came back out of the cafe, he waves at me again.

“What makes you so interesting,” he asked.

I kind of laughed, a little embarrassed, “Haha, um, I don’t know.”

“Most women, you know, no offense, but they don’t really have much to say,” she said, “I mean, maybe they’re beautiful, but when you try to talk to them it’s boring.”

I thanked him and told him that he really made my day and gave me a nice compliment just when I needed it.

Conclusion? Be Yourself - DUH!

If I had driven to the coffee shop and had been wearing some fancy clothes I would have looked stiff and uncomfortable, and I don’t think he would have started a conversation with me. Even though I was dressed more sporty and less feminine, I think this dude was responding to the fact that I looked happy — looked like I was having fun and doing my thing.

Cheers to that dude, and big ups to all the ladies out there that aren’t afraid to be themselves!

Russell Simmons has always been a figure that’s inspired me, so I was stoked to hear that he has a new book out called Do You! The full name is actually Do You!: 12 Laws to Access the Power in You to Achieve Happiness and Success and I think that’s a pretty good description of what you can expect if you read / listen to it.

I’m only about 30 minutes into the audiobook version from iTunes (which is abridged, if that matters to you), and I just had to stop listening so that I could post this for ya’ll. He’s covering a lot of lessons that I’ve learned in the past, but have a habit of forgetting, and so it’s great to get these reminders and positive re-enforcement. I’m sure there are new lessons that I’ve yet to learn too.

Imagineer That Ish: Visualize What You Want in Great Detail

In 2005, I was unhappy with my job so I started daydreaming about my ideal workplace. I imagined every mundane detail, such as my desk, my chair, my monitor. I thought about what kind of co-workers I wanted to work with, what type of environment I was in, and I imagined the projects that I was working on. I really imagined it, I visualized myself sitting at my new desk.

In doing this exercise, I changed my thinking from the negative thoughts that I’d been having — focusing on what I didn’t like about my current situation — and started to think positively about what I wanted to steer towards. I felt so much happier, and felt a new sense of excitement about my future. That exercise led me to my current job, which I’m extremely happy with and grateful for. By the way — my new job is very close to what I was envisioning in 2005.

That experience led me to habitually daydreaming about everything that I wanted. For example, I started imagining what kind of house I would live in someday. There’d be a garden and I’d grow, cook, and eat my own veggies. There’d be a cute kitchen with lots of natural sunlight streaming in through the windows. Everything inside and out would be painted bright colors, and it would be a happy place. As soon as any thought like, “oh, but I couldn’t afford a down payment right now,” entered into my head, I’d just block it out and continue with my daydream.

Sometimes my dreams are somewhat meaningless — but always positive, like imagining being a bird soaring through the canopy of trees in a huge old-growth forest. I don’t shut down those daydreams either, I just let them happen and if they don’t appear to apply directly to my life, maybe they will one day, or I can turn those images and ideas into a creative project like a drawing or cartoon.

Your Biggest Enemies

Self-Doubt

This has become a core principle of mine, and it’s been learned through so many different types of experiences. I have to say, self-doubt is the #1 killer of your ideas and dreams, the #1 roadblock to becoming the best person you can be. And that’s really what this is all about, not becoming someone else — becoming the best you possible. Don’t be your own worst enemy, pay attention to when you’re thinking negatively about yourself and put it to a cease. It’s a bad habit you can get into, and therefore it’s a habit you can break out of if you pay attention. Stop the self-doubt.

Naysayers

Don’t listen to naysayers. Sometimes they’re hard to spot, because they might be people that love you, like friends and family. They might be giving you what they think is helpful advice, but if they’re injecting you with self-doubt, you have to make a conscious effort to tune it out. Be aware of the people in your life that do nothing but spew negativity and poo poo your ideas, they’re people that you don’t need to be around. Think about the people in your life that are positive influences, that inspire you, and invest in them. And, try to be that type of positive influence when they come to you with their ideas. Don’t become a naysayer yourself!

I try to avoid negative people whenever I can. If I meet someone new at a party and notice that they are super cynical, or mean, or complaining a lot about silly stuff, I usually write them off and the relationship goes no further. I know that’s harsh, but I realize that I’m pretty sensitive to, and influenced by, the people that I surround myself with. I need positivity in my life, or else I start to get bummed out and lose steam on my projects and goals.

The Alchemist and The Secret

In Simmons’ new book he says:

“Visions are God’s way of communicating with us.”

…which really struck a chord with me. I am also listening to The Alchemist right now, and this quote from Simmons relates directly to the themes expressed in this book. In The Alchemist, the author talks a lot about “omens” but he’s describing the same phenomenon. The book is a fable, all about realizing your personal legend — becoming the best possible you — and learning to pay attention to messages in your life that are in support of your goals, your legend.

I’m also reminded of The Secret, which is worth listening to on your headphones in the background while you work this afternoon — and it’s free. It touches on a lot of the same ideas that I’m mentioning here, although I’m a little bummed that the production style that they chose for the film makes it feel so much like propaganda. I think there are some valuable lessons in The Secret, you’re just waiting for them to pitch you some $400 magical ointment or something.

Anyway, stop reading this post and go download Do You from the iTunes music store. I know it’s like $20, but just do it and listen to it while you work at your desk today. And really listen, take notes anytime he says something that sparks your imagination, then come back here and let me know what you thought about it!

I have this awesome Wordpress plugin called Akismet that helps trap a lot of comment spam on this site. However, I noticed that occasionally a real (non-spammy) comment gets trapped in the Akismet queue, so every so often I have to scroll through the list of trapped comment spam to make sure no real comments were filtered out.

This process always brings my mood down a notch. The lists of spammy keywords that these horrible people produce is some of the most vile, horrible, disgusting stuff ever. Descriptions of terrible people doing terrible things to anything from animals to children. It makes me sad that there is apparently a market for this garbage out there. So gross.

I gotta go watch some cartoons as a psychic palette cleanser.

Recently, I’ve mentioned the book The Alchemist on some other Fixpert posts.

To give you a sense of the book, here’s an excerpt from one reader’s review on Amazon:

“When you are in a funk, going through life and the mundane daily routine and responsibilities, perhaps content, but not exactly fulfilled–this book is a blessing, and should be read. The concept of the universe working in harmony with people and their quests in life, and the signs in which the universe reminds and reveals itelf to establish a path for our individual quest is brilliant and well-orchestrated throughout the book as a parable…”
- Emerson (Buffalo, NY)

I think that’s a great snapshot of the book and how it seems to impact people when they read it. Yes it’s a story about a young shepherd who goes on an Excellent Adventure, but that whole story is a just a platform through which Coelho is able to share little bits of wisdom that can apply to anyone’s life.

The Language of Enthusiasm

One such message that really resonated with me was the discussion of “the universal language.” When you hear someone refer to “the universal language” you tend to assume that they are referring to love, as in Better Off Dead when John Cusack’s neighbor is convinced that her nerdly obese son is having a love affair with the French exchange student. Nope, Coelho is not talking about love, he’s talking about the language of enthusiasm:

“The language of enthusiasm — things accomplished with love and purpose.”
- from The Alchemist

The book explores how the universe and everything around you will respond positively to things that you pursue “with love and purpose,” and how the universe will “conspire” to support your goals. I think that’s a really neat idea — that when you’re pursuing something positive with deliberation, the world will work to help you accomplish your goals.

Beget that Shit!

Maybe the language of enthusiasm is just a more mystical way of thinking about the infectious nature of emotion. When you beam positivity out into the world, people tend to mirror that back to you — smile at strangers walking down the street and you’re likely to put a smile on their face, and it continues to spread from there. On the flip side, you’ve probably heard the expression “anger begets anger.” Scowl at someone walking down the sidewalk, and you’re likely to spread that anger to them, and/or get a very negative response back from them immediately.

And that got me thinking about Pootie Tang.

We Love You Pootie!

People are going to laugh at me, but I recommend that you watch this movie several times. The first time you watch it, you’re reluctant to believe that Pootie could be such a compelling protagonist. He’s a stringy lookin’ dude, bird chest on display, rockin’ a greasy moustache and relaxed’ braided ‘do in the back — not your typical hunky movie hero dude. But after watching it a couple times, you buy into the whole concept of Pootie as the hero.

How does Pootie — who doesn’t utter an intelligible word of English for the entire film — manage to charm even the reluctant viewer? He does so with the language of enthusiasm!

Pootie beams his positivity and confidence out into the world, and the world responds in kind.

I’ve got more to say on this subject, and I’ll be continuing on in future posts. I intend to discuss Mirror Neurons and how I think they play a role in this idea of the infectious nature of emotion. And I also want to spend some time talking about Care Bears — yeah, you heard me. In the meantime I’ll leave you with this…

Somewhat Unrelated Closing Thoughts: Biggie Shorty

Biggy Shorty and Pootie made a great pair in the film because Biggie Shorty also understands the language of enthusiasm. Biggie Shorty just does her thing — rocks her headphones, dances all by herself on the corner.

And by the way, Biggie Shorty from Pootie Tang totally inspired my Bike Pimptress Halloween costume last year: