Fixpert

Yesterday, I decided to try the famed Master Cleanse, aka The Lemonade Diet. It was awesome, I didn’t even make it a full day and had to call the whole thing off. During the first day, I noticed a few side effects of the cleanse:

• I was really cold all day long
• I was craving all kinds of delicious foods
• I got really sleepy and low-energy towards the end of the day
• I had a massive headache for the second half of the day

“Ah yes,” I thought “this cleanse is working, I feel like shit, this is great!”

Honestly, I was feeling a bit cocky because I’ve done some other hard-core physical challenges, usually of the endurance variety, so I just clumped this in with previous stunts I have pulled and thought it would be somewhat easy for me.

Then…the puking started. I know, I know, this is gross, but I thought it might be worth writing up for anyone else out there who might try the Master Cleanse and go through the same thing. Oh, and by the way, puking is not supposed to happen. I followed all the directions, did everything right, and I guess my body’s way of saying “oh hey’ll naw, we are not doing this!” was to make me throw up a whole bunch. And it worked, my response to my body was “oh hey’ll naw, we are not doing this!”

So, Master Cleanse aborted. I don’t know what happened, I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t get to put this accomplishment under my belt, but puking isn’t something you try to power through, so I feel ok about dippin’ out. So that’s that. No Master Cleanse for me. Lemme know if you need any lemons, I have a ton at my house.

Fake Out Foods

While we’re on the subject of food…as I sit here and type this, I’m enjoying a healthy bowl of fresh fruit for my breakfast. I go for one of these lovely red grapes, and chomp down on a weird pitted cherry instead. I like cherries, but I always get grossed out when I’m expecting one taste / texture and get another. Did you ever go to drink milk out of your sippy cup when you were a kid, only to discover it was OJ?! Gross! And I love OJ.

These are the fake-out foods that make me mad, only because they prance around masquerading as some other, usually more delicious food:

• Raisins — particularly in Oatmeal Raisin Cookies. Listen, raisins, the only reason people eat your damn cookies is because you look like (and people wish you were) a chocolate chip cookie. You will never be a chocolate chip, and people will always be disappointed to find out that it’s really you. Is that the life you want to lead? You’re pathetic!
• Mango. Dear Mango, you are not pineapple, so just stop trying to front. I think I would like how you taste if you could just get your own style and help me set expectations properly.
• These Weird Cherries - You are a new edition to my list. You are especially evil because you have pits and you disguise yourself as a soft, delicious, not-pitted fruit — our friend, the grape. I think you currently top the list of evil food trickery, and have even overtaken the Raisin as you add an element of danger and possible injury to your tomfoolery.

Feel free to share your Master Cleanse stories, and any other poser foods that you want to add to the list!

This entry was posted on Friday, June 1st, 2007 at 9:36 am and is filed under Random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.